When your child calls home upset: A Parent’s Guide to the First Weeks of University
Written By: Philippa Charrier
You’ve helped unpack, filled the fridge and said goodbye. Now they’ve been at university for a little while, and you’re hoping they’re beginning to find their feet.
Then comes a difficult phone call.
“I don’t like it here.”
“Everyone else has made friends.”
“I want to come home.”
It’s hard to hear your child upset when you’re miles away. You want to help, but you’re wondering whether to listen, suggest something or get in the car.
The first few weeks can bring plenty of good moments alongside homesickness, tiredness and uncertainty. You don’t need the perfect answer. Start by listening, checking they’re safe and working out what might help next.
As a mum of three, I know how much you want your children to be happy. Through my work in student accommodation and my research for my books, Designed for Wellbeing and Student Thrive Mode, I’ve seen how everyday things like sleep, food, movement, and feeling connected to others can affect how students feel.
In those first few weeks, familiar routines can disappear. Late nights, meals grabbed on the go and the pressure to join in with everything can make it hard. It’s worth gently finding out how your child’s days have been going. Alongside listening to what’s upset them, you may be able to help with something practical: getting some food in, having a quieter evening or finding someone to spend time with.
Listen before you try to fix it
It might be as simple as: “Oh love, what’s happened?”
Let them finish. Try to resist “You’ll be fine”, “Everyone feels like that” or “These are supposed to be the best years of your life”. Reassurance can come too quickly when someone needs you to understand why they’re upset.
Then ask: “Do you want to talk it all out, or shall we see what we can do?”
Student Minds advises acknowledging feelings before moving into practical problem-solving. You don’t have to solve every problem during one call.
If it is late and they have been out, check where they are, whether they are safe and whether someone they trust is nearby. If you are worried about their safety, act straight away. Otherwise, help them through tonight and agree when you will speak again.
You may hear the hardest moments
Home may be the place where they release everything they have been holding in. You hear about the awkward conversation, the disappointing evening and the flatmate who ignored them. You may hear less about the person they chatted to afterwards.
Sometimes they finish the call feeling lighter, while you are left awake worrying.
Sometimes, they just need to talk through a bad day. Other times, they’ve been struggling for a while. Gently ask:
“Has something happened today, or have you been feeling like this for a while?”
This helps you understand whether they need a listening ear after a difficult day or more support with how they’ve been feeling. Listen to their answer, even if they sound brighter after talking. There may have been good moments too, but those don’t make the difficult ones any less real.
Look at the foundations of their day
My six Student Thrive Mode pillars, MIND, BREATHE, MOVE, FUEL, CONNECT and SLEEP, offer practical starting points.
These are the sorts of things I would weave into a conversation, using whatever words feel natural in your family. Follow their lead; there is no need to work through all six pillars in one call.
MIND: take the pressure off settling in immediately
University comes with enormous expectations. Remind your child that belonging can take time. They can miss home and still have good experiences; they can enjoy a lecture and find the evening difficult.
Try: “It’s still early days. What’s bothering you most: the people, the course, or just missing home?”
Help them name the difficulty. Missing home, worrying about money, struggling with coursework and feeling excluded each need a different response.
Be curious about comparisons too. What they see on social media may tell them very little about how other students actually feel.
BREATHE: slow the conversation down
This applies to you too. Pause before reacting. Speak calmly and leave room for them to explain.
You don’t need to guide them through a breathing exercise. Sometimes, slowing your breathing and speaking calmly gives them space to pause and explain what’s going on.
“I’m here. Take your time.”
MOVE: find a reason to leave the bedroom
Ask: “Have you been out much today? Fancy getting out for a bit tomorrow?”
A walk to the library, lunch with a coursemate or a short trip to the shops may be a useful starting point. Regular physical activity can support mood and sleep.
They don’t need to join a gym. If they are overwhelmed, keep the step small and adapt it to their health and abilities.
FUEL: make eating manageable
Ask: “Have you managed to eat much today? Have you got much in the fridge?”
A takeaway is ordinary student life. But if they have barely eaten all day, it is worth helping them get something together before tackling everything else. Regular meals can help maintain energy, while feeling low can make shopping and cooking harder.
Help them choose a couple of easy meals: eggs on toast with tomatoes; a jacket potato with beans; or pasta with frozen vegetables and a protein they enjoy. Frozen vegetables, tinned beans and fruit that keeps well can make variety easier and cheaper.
Offer to plan a food shop together or keep them company on the phone while they cook. If they cannot afford enough food, help them contact university money advice or hardship support.
Avoid making food another thing they feel they are getting wrong.
The tiredness and quick-energy loop
After several late nights, sugary snacks and fast food can become especially tempting. Research shows that sleep loss can increase the appeal of high-calorie foods and affect how the brain responds to food rewards. When you are exhausted, cooking dinner may feel like far more effort than grabbing something sweet.
They may also reach for coffee or an energy drink to stay awake. Caffeine can then make it harder to sleep that night, leaving them tired again the next day. That is the vicious circle worth noticing: late nights, tired days, quick pick-me-ups and another difficult night.
Once you notice this pattern, you can help them start to break the cycle. Suggest an easy meal and a quieter evening, with less caffeine late in the day. Remind them they don’t have to keep pushing through when they’re exhausted. They can enjoy university and still make time to eat well and rest.
CONNECT: start with one person
Ask: “Anyone you’ve had a good chat with? Someone you might ask for a coffee?”
They don’t need a whole friendship group immediately. A small invitation can be enough: coffee after a lecture, cooking together or returning to an activity they enjoyed.
Their flatmates don’t have to become their closest friends. Encourage opportunities beyond the flat, through their course, societies, volunteering or activities that interest them. Returning to something they enjoy gives them another chance to see familiar faces.
Agree on a pattern of contact with home that feels supportive. Leave room for ordinary conversation too; every call need not become a review of whether they have made friends.
SLEEP: ask about the run of late nights
Ask: “What time have you been getting to bed? Are you lying awake, or has it been one late night after another?”
Repeated poor sleep can affect mood, concentration and the ability to cope. Most healthy adults need around seven to nine hours a night. Alcohol can disrupt sleep even if it initially makes someone sleepy.
They may feel they have to attend every event to make friends. Remind them they can have a quieter evening. Missing one night out does not close the door on making friends. Help them build a more regular routine, and ask whether noise, worry, or their surroundings are keeping them awake.
Try: “That sounds really hard. You must be exhausted too. Shall we think about how you could get some rest tonight?”
If sleep problems persist or affect daily life, encourage them to speak to a GP.
What if they still want to come home?
Ask: “Of course we can talk about coming home. Are you missing us and wanting a few days here, or are you thinking you don’t want to go back?”
Listen to what they mean before deciding what happens next. Coming home for a weekend and leaving university altogether are different decisions.
A visit does not automatically mean they have failed to settle. Equally, returning to exactly the same unresolved problems may need a plan. Explore what would help and who can support them when they go back.
If they are considering leaving or changing course, help them discuss the options with their tutor or student advice service, including the practical implications. There is no universal rule that they must stay. Their safety, health and circumstances come first.
Make the next step specific
Before you hang up, agree on one or two achievable actions: dinner tonight, a conversation with a trusted person nearby or contacting student support.
Ask: “Shall we do that together?”
You might help draft an email or sit with them on the phone while they make a call. Where possible, let them lead decisions and ask before contacting others on their behalf.
Then agree when you will speak again: “Give me a ring tomorrow after your lecture; I’d love to hear how it goes.” Follow up on how they feel, not just whether they completed the task. If distress keeps returning, look beyond tonight’s coping plan.
When extra support would help
Getting help early is a useful part of learning to look after yourself. If distress persists or worsens, or your child struggles to eat, sleep, attend teaching, or manage daily life, help them contact their university wellbeing service or GP. Everyday support and professional care can work together.
Take concerns about bullying, harassment or unsafe accommodation seriously. You can share concerns with the university, although staff may be limited in what they can tell you about an adult student.
If you are concerned about their immediate safety: ask directly about suicide if that is what worries you. Asking does not put the idea into their head. Take suicidal thoughts or self-harm seriously and seek prompt professional support.
Call 999 if their life is at risk or you cannot keep them safe, and give their location. For urgent mental health help without an immediate emergency, in England call NHS 111 and select the mental health option; elsewhere in the UK use the local NHS urgent mental health service. Samaritans (116 123) offers free listening support, including for worried parents. Stay in contact where possible while help is arranged, and involve a trusted person nearby.
What your child needs to hear
You can be a steady, caring presence without having every answer. Get support for yourself too if worry is affecting your own sleep or daily life.
There is room for encouragement as well as concern. Ask what they enjoyed, what they are looking forward to and who they might like to see again. Let the good moments count without using them to dismiss the difficult ones.
Above all, help your child feel that they can tell you the truth. They do not need to have university worked out already. A meal, a conversation, a familiar face and a little support can give them somewhere to begin.
“You can always tell me. You don’t have to sort everything out tonight. Let’s work out what will help.”
Sources and further support:
Student Minds: advice for parents, carers and guardians
NHS: low mood, sadness and depression
YoungMinds: mental health at university
Samaritans: supporting someone with suicidal thoughts
NHS: urgent mental health help
Research: the impact of sleep deprivation on food desire in the human brain
